Category: humor

The Perfect Pet Cow

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Ellie groped for a pitcher to hold her morning milk. The pitcher felt warm. It moved and mooed when she touched it. It had the same fresh smell of country lanes that had attracted Ellie’s attention as she browsed the housewares aisle of the local thrift store. The pitcher had been only five dollars. She thought she might be asleep.

Overnight, the pitcher became a cow. She fed it salad and built a small platform with a hole in the center for the cow to stand on. She placed her tea cup under the center hole and squirted in milk.

Red Riding Hood, Through the Dewey Decimal System

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When Red Riding Hood arrived at 823.8 Carroll, she knew she’d lost her way. The hatter invited her for tea, but seemed too mad to give directions to Grandma’s house. He liked to make things complicated. She dead-reckoned into the 500 section where a path led to an oversized book with a European temperate rain forest template at the back.

Mammals- 589 was permanently closed. She took a detour. Soon after, she found a wolf. They walked through Berlitz, chatting in multiple languages, and arrived at 398.209 where they located Grandmother’s cottage.

“Do you play chess,” Grandmother asked, pouring tea.

Zombies and Nonsense with a Long A.

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Long A words draped the fissures in its skin,
ape and grape, not apple, artichoke, crass. 
The Zombie roamed, eh, traipsed, across acres,
acres of cultivated plant nations. 
Date palms waved their fronds in hollow desert.

Zombie detected alien cave ants. 
Pained by the damage these aggravating
beasts confabulate, Zombie baited, waited, laid
waste to a spate of ant infested crates.
It’s cause: annihilate stealth arthropods.

Exhausted, strained brain Zombie made a lake,
baked a cake, took a stake. Ate dates from plates
that estimate, cogitate, integrate. 
Zombie screamed, brayed, raised an alarm, hungry
it was for repetitive chaining brains.

Never, Never Underestimate a Fairy

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I’m not an ill humored creature. The opposite. Fairies have sweet natures. Ask anyone except Captain Hook. He and I don’t get on. And though Peter Pan and I have our differences, I believe he would tell you that I have a heart of gold. Literally, a gold heart. 

This is a problem. Greedy people try to do away with me. Hook has attempted more than once with a net of electric eel and kelp, but I always slip through the holes. Unless a fairy is in a snit, she’s size flexible and current impervious. Fortunately, I’m chill as gold.

Cash for Teeth

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“Guess what the going rate for teeth is,” Marjorie said.

“Uh, three dollars.” Angie thought that was an outrageous sum. She’d once got a quarter for a wisdom tooth from a boyfriend. A joke. The Tooth Fairy gave her a dime for each.

“Six and change.” Gotcha, her grin said.

“Oh, c’mon.” Angie thought Marjorie exaggerated to get attention.

But later, Angie ran across an item in News of the Weird. Six was the average. Some kids got a Benjamin for each tooth. She said to her mother, “You ripped me off.” Then she told her how.

Mom laughed. “Inflation.”