The heat has drained the air of sound today.
The birds have lost their voices to this hell of late summer.
Furry squirrels are hiding in the shade of the maple tree and I guess that I would too if I wore a heavy coat like they do.
But my dog is prancing from the front door to my chair.
He’s licked my bare legs cool with sticky saliva.
So we brave the heat though he’s not mad,
Nor am I English, like that saying goes.
A Labrador, I guess he could be be English.
I’ve never heard his accent.
The President’s Ten Proven Methods for Pregnancy Prevention.
These suggestions have been curated by the president’s own human copy machine while on international jaunts with his majesty. They will be distributed through the Department of Miseducation for use in classrooms this fall.
The new curriculum will be titled Ex-say Education-nay.
My friend discovered her ability to conjure a pina colada from a glass of milk one evening at dinner. She said, rather desperately, to her unruly kids, “Eat your vegetables.” Et voila! Like water to wine, the milk in her glass tasted of rum.
Her talent saves us bundles. We go to this Italian restaurant that’s family friendly. My friend and I order milk, the kids get soda, a special treat. We never pay more than a few dollars for a drink and the kids eat their veggies.
The waiters never catch on, maybe because we leave a generous tip.
I was excited when this half-grown border collie came up the driveway, then I got worried. I told Pa, “Could be a working dog. They herd sheep.”
“We ain’t got no sheep.”
“Cows, maybe?”
“Don’t need no dog. Give him to John, he’s got sheep.”
I’d been asking for a dog since forever. “Might scare…”
The dog stuck his nose in the air. Something was rustling in the corn and out comes a big ol’ raccoon. The dog’s carrying on to beat the band and, miracle of miracles, chases that raccoon clean away.
“Reckon he’ll do.”
I fed the dog.
He said- You said, Yes.
She said- I said, not yet. Another time. A later time.
He said- But your eyes said yes
She said- My eyes don’t speak for me.
He said- Your eyes speak to me.
She said- Looks can deceive.
He said- So you admit it? You lied. Those gorgeous blue eyes lied?
She said- You should have known. You should have asked, clarified, not taken things at face value.
He said- Whatever. Now we have this adorable cat.
She said- This purring cat, we’re cat parents now.
He said- I’m a sucker for gorgeous blue eyes.
The linen fedora sat jauntily on the Duchess’s head. “Who needs a tiara. On to the ball.”
Her gown took up most of the limo’s back seat, leaving the Duke with scant room to spread his tails. “I can’t very well wear a top hat with you in that get-up.” He sniffed loudly.
The Duchess handed him a lace-trimmed handkerchief. “Then wear a bowler. Or maybe a feathered bonnet. Wear a tiara if you want.” She hugged up her husband.
The Duke said, “You need a trench coat to go with the hat.”
“Why does everything need to match, darling?”
“I’m at the airport.”
A deep fake? They’d talked this past week; she hadn’t mentioned a visit. “Who is this?”
“Don’t you recognize your mother’s voice?”
“Then, when did we last speak?”
“Saturday. Marcy left you and I’m here to help.”
“She’s having a midlife crisis. She just needs…”
“It’s not what she needs, it’s what you need. Pick me up, or I can get a Lyft.”
He’d made peace with his wife’s decision. His mother would give him the advice she wished she’d had when his father left. She wouldn’t notice the salt she was rubbing in his wounds.
“Cut it short. This might be my last haircut for a while .”
Another contraction, then they stopped. Like the baby knew we needed to get this done.
Was this the best use of time? Could I have done without it? But it wasn’t the haircut I wanted. I wanted to tie up all the loose ends in my life in a neat bow. I wanted to be ready to give my all to this baby.
At REI I bought a blouse. One that wasn’t meant for a pregnant person. And then I was ready. At least, I thought I was.
I’d like to change the message on my answering machine, but I want to do it myself. Why? Imagine if I asked for help. First, who even has an answering machine? And second, I would have to decide who to include in the message.
My kids have moved away, but the answering machine has no idea. Will it feel betrayed when it finds out? Will it wonder how long it’s been living a lie. Even I can’t remember.
Better outsource the problem. Maybe I’ll win a recording on Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me. My answering machine won’t question Paula Poundstone.
They were compatible except for different ideas about where to vacation. She wanted a cruise on the Rhine. He preferred the Nile. She wanted to visit a democracy. He said that Egypt is a democracy, but they both knew better. She wanted to leave her raincoat at home. He said, “Then Egypt is the place to go.”
The negotiations lasted for a week. Every evening, they huddled separately with their phones. Their conversations were revealing. They were determined to compromise; also to keep trying for their vacation choice and win the other’s heart. In the end, they flipped a coin.
Monica's Monday Morning Flash 