Cockney Shrew

“Bright and breezy, ham and cheesy,”¹ I says to him. Big fellow he were. Blimey! He were a bit Mum and Dad². So I steps away. He’s talking with a Gooseberry Puddin’³, a right attractive bird. She’s Toby Tugging⁴ a suitcase and he’s going all Wayne Rooney⁵ on her. He says, “Come back and Jabberwok⁶.” If only he’d see how it looks. Needs a ‘Enry⁷. A big, fat doobie. Might calm him some. Lor’ luv a duck. Kept i’ ter meself. Bear’s Paw⁸ ‘e were a cop. Nuff said.